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Jesse St. James

Rachel Berry

WHERE New York City, NY • Rachel & Jesse's Apartment
Rachel forgets her phone at home and Jesse sees that she's been keeping some things from him. WARNINGS Implications of potential cheating

say you'll never leave me no matter what

Jesse's not exactly unaccustomed to Rachel Berry's drama. It's been one of those things things that he often loves her most for, even if the times that it impacts his own life can be such a headache. She has a bad habit of making mountains out of mole hills and always trying to make sure she's the one who breaks a heart instead of having her heart broken. Jesse's sure there's a bunch of psychological reasonings behind it, but he's never been book smart, and he's not particularly interested in trying to analyze his girlfriend anyway.

He's been busy. Extremely busy. Eight shows a week they're both used to, even with her school schedule, but since the rumors of a Tony nomination were getting closer to being fact rather than just suspicion, Jesse's had to deal with interviews and meetings with his agent on his days off, or in the mornings and early afternoons he used to have free before he went to the theatre. It had taken a toll on the time he got to spend with Rachel and he knew that she struggled with things when she had a lack of attention or physical affection, even he was getting a little grouchy about the impact it had had on their sex life. He was just so tired...

Jesse had been somewhat relieved when Rachel had mentioned making plans with friends. The last thing he needed was for her to be sitting around the apartment just waiting for him. Getting out would keep her out of her head, he'd thought, and that was best for everyone. She was the most dangerous to her own happiness when she was bored and left to think about it all too much. He had texted her when he had managed to get out of a meeting with a reporter early and had been a little concerned when he didn't get an answer. Luckily he was close to home and it wasn't too long after, as he hung his coat up in the hall, that he noticed her own phone sitting on the kitchen counter. He shook his head, knowing she must have been in a rush, and wasn't left to think much on it until it had started pinging more than once. He'd just planned on switching it over to silent mode when he noticed the name. He didn't recognize it, but the flirtatious comment followed by a cheesy wink emoji had certainly gotten his attention.

He could have opened the phone. He could have looked through the history of text messages with this guy and seen just how often flirting with his girlfriend was part of their repertoire. But Jesse liked to believe that Rachel would tell him anything, especially when pressed, and so he hoped it would continue here. He was sitting on one of the stools at the counter, drinking a beer, and staring at her phone when he heard the door finally open. Looking up, he waited until she'd gotten a little farther inside, before he cleared his throat.

"So uh..." He bites his lip, before pushing her phone a little closer to her. "Who's Brandon?"

CODING

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“Okay.” It’s said with sincerity when he can tell that she really means her apology, not wanting to hold it against her if she was truly sorry for it. But there’s more to this than just needing someone to apologize and he knows it. The idea that she would think to let someone continue to flirt with her because she was bored wasn’t a comforting one and while she didn’t want to talk about it, it seemed like a fairly important thing to discuss.

He takes a breath, carefully reaching out to try and grab one of her hands, even if her arms were still folded in front of her. “Rachel... This isn’t something we can just sweep under the rug and forget happened just because you’re sorry. Apologizing helps, but don’t you think it’s important we figure out why? Instead of just... ignoring it and letting it happen again?”

Jesse reaches up to push some of the hair out of her face, letting his hand rest against her jaw afterward. “You felt like you could tell him to stop, right?”

"Are you sure? I've swept a lot of things under the rug in the past." Her lips curl in a half smile in an attempt to lighten the mood. She's feeling a little relieved to know he was accepting her apology, but it was actually kind of sad how truthful it was, so she didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it. She'd pretty sure the humor falls flat though, and as he continues she starts to feel like she isn't going to be able to duck out of this so easily.

She's tentative and unsure as she uncrosses her arms to let him grab her hand, but she instinctively leans into his palm as it rests against her jaw. Mostly she's been avoiding his look, but she can't help but glance up at him and catch her eyes as she does so. The same intense look that she's gotten used to is right there and it's full of emotion.

"I won't let it happen again," she insists. With his busy schedule recently she's pretty sure she hadn't realized just how much she'd missed his intimate attention. "I love you, and I want you, and I don't want him, so I don't know why it happened, or why I let it happen. Other than the fact that I'm so insecure sometimes."

When he asks her about whether she had felt she could tell him to stop, she's caught off guard. Of course she'd felt like she could tell him to stop. Or well, he hadn't listened, and he'd said something about how she deserved the attention, and maybe she'd believed him. The more she thinks about it though, the more she actually questions it. How Jesse had popped into her head the times when Brandon's hand had gone a little too low on her waist or a little too high on her thigh.

"I don't know, I stopped bothering to tell him to stop." She glances away from him. "He's attractive, I figured it was me." She admits it softly, before her defenses go up again. "You dance with lots of attractive girls, I know you aren't entirely immune to it, otherwise I wouldn't be so jealous. I didn't intend to act on it and I still don't. I'll make sure to partner with someone else next time."

She felt her eyes start to sting and her throat knot uncomfortably. Her need for attention, if that was truly what it was, and desire to be wanted were rearing their ugly head. She looks to the side again."I'm going to ruin us. I always ruin the things I love. Especially when I love them so much I can't stand the thought of losing them. Maybe it's not possible to keep me happy."

“I love you, too,” he says softly, stroking her cheek with his thumb. In spite of the fighting and frustrations, that was always true, and he wanted to be sure she knew it. He sighs a little, his face softening. “I know it takes two for these kinds of things to happen. I should have made it more of a priority to set aside time for you with how crazy everything has been. And I’ll try to going forward, okay? But I also need you to tell me when you’re feeling like you’re not getting enough attention.” He gives her a slightly amused look, even if the words he says next are true. “I’ve got an amazing array of talents, but mind reading isn’t one of them.”

The way she responds to whether or not she had felt she could ask Brandon to stop is concerning, though, and it shows on his face that the answer isn’t one he particularly cares for. Not because of her, but because of how much in life has made her feel like she can’t say no when she wants to, and how rarely people have listened to her set boundaries. “Him being attractive doesn’t give him a free pass to disrespect you telling him you don’t want him to act the way he is,” he says firmly. “You should be able to say no and have it listened to.”

Jesse’s jaw tenses again when she talks about ruining things, not because of anger this time, but the tension that comes with trying to pick words extremely carefully so as not to say the wrong thing. He doesn’t want this to turn into a blow up that starts the fighting again, but he doesn’t want to lie to her, either. “You aren’t going to ruin anything,” he says gently, trying to reassure her, gently trying to turn her head back to looking at him again. “But you do have a bad habit of sabotaging yourself when things start to get too good. I think that plays apart in all this.”

She's a little surprised to hear him own a part in their situation. Most people she knew tended to place blame, either owning it all themselves or putting it all on the other party. It was another reminder that Jesse was leading her into a healthier relationship, and was willing to not just fight, but work on their issues. The truth was, she had found him to be too busy and in her eyes she had tried to let him know that she wanted him to spend more time with her. Of course, if she was honest, it had mostly been in ways that were to subtle for any person to pick up on, but she'd thought she'd made it clear.

Obviously she hadn't, because he's telling her something she's heard from others before. As well as he knew her, it was still unrealistic to expect him to read her mind. She can't help but smile just slightly at him over it. With a resigned sigh, she nods. "I suppose sometimes I talk so much, that I forget I'm not necessarily saying what needs to be said." It's a small admittance to a fault she knows she has and does want to work on.

She moves out of his touch, hoisting herself up on the counter so that she can look him in the eyes. It's a more relaxed position, and one that shows she's trying to let him in. She still isn't sure how to approach the issue with Brandon and now she's wondering whether or not her response to Brandon is because she has a tendency to feel she owes men who pay her attention something rather than truly wanting attention. "I don't know Jesse. You know I like attention, and that I like feeling like people find me attractive. I should have just kept seeking you out to get that reassurance, but when I did, you were asleep, or would fall asleep. A quickie in the shower doesn't exactly make me feel properly attended to..."

She holds up a hand again, because she feels like she has to defend her feelings of loneliness. "It's not an excuse, but with you so busy with work, I started to wonder whether you were getting bored with me. I thought if you were, then at least there's this other man that finds me attractive. I don't think I really wanted him, and I told him that much on more than one occasion. It made me sad to think about, but I kept thinking...at least this guy wants me. It's probably my fault that he didn't listen to no." Despite being at an easier angle to look him in the eyes now, she looks away again, down at her lap and she moves to nervously play with a long strand of hair.

When he does get her to look at him, she has tears in her eyes. "You don't know that for sure. You love me, but you have your limits, everyone does. This is the longest I've ever been with someone, and I'm so happy and I'm more in love than I ever thought possible, especially after facing heart ache and grief and loss. I never thought my person might not be Finn, and yet, here you are, and here we are and it's good. It's really good. And I took a stupid thing like you being busy and got so insecure I've been letting another man flirt with me."

The tears start to fall and she reaches out to place her hands on his chest. "I know you said you like my drama, but I'm such a mess, and I do so many stupid things because I'm so dramatic. Please, forgive me Jesse. Please, please don't leave me. I want another year, and another after that. I want you. I want us. I swear I'll be a better girlfriend." All the recent stress floods out of her as she sobs in front of him, letting her feelings finally out into the open.

He sighs as she talks, going to close the short distance between himself and the counter, resting a hand on each thigh as he stares at her. It’s obvious he doesn’t agree with her assessment of the situation entirely. A lot of it sounds accurate, of course, but just enough so that she can dismiss her own feelings, and ignore her tendencies to let people force their affections on her without really fighting back.

“I’m not doubting that his attention fed some part of you that was being ignored, but...” He takes a deep breath, looking at her seriously, deciding it was best to not beat around the bush about it all. “A no is a no. An ‘I’m not interested’ is a no. ‘I have a boyfriend’ is a no. And any one of them should have been respected and listened to. It doesn’t matter how much you may or may not have ended up ultimately getting from his flirting with you, you clearly told him that you were with someone else, and it is far from your fault that he didn’t listen to that.”

He hesitates, wondering if he should tack on the rest of his thoughts, or leave it be. At the end of the day, he’s still Jesse St. James, and keeping his mouth shut isn’t a skill he’s entirely mastered. “Besides. For someone so obnoxious and self-centered, you spend way too much time focusing on keeping other people happy, especially men, and you’ll often let them do things you don’t want to just to not make waves. You have a fairly bad habit of convincing yourself after the fact that you wanted things, when in the moment it’s actually happening, you’re uncomfortable and want out.“

He reaches up to wipe the tears from her cheeks, feeling his chest get tight as she mentions Finn and talks about the pain she’s had to go through. Seeing her beg him not to leave him makes everything inside of him hurt and he almost regrets bringing it all up at all. Jesse quickly wraps his arms around her, pulling her tightly to him while trying to also make sure she doesn’t fall off the counter. He shushes her gently, stroking her hair as he tries to get her to calm down.

“You’re an amazing girlfriend, Rachel. People make mistakes. We’re only human.” He knows he’s made and will probably continue to make plenty. The unfortunate thing was that Rachel’s tended to take focus because of all the unhealthy habits she’d formed in relationships before their own. “I have waited to be with you for so long, there’s no fucking way I’m going to let you go just because you let some jackass send you a wink emoji.”

Rachel could recall when they'd first been dating how he'd gotten upset that she'd told him no when they'd been heavily making out in her bed and he'd wanted to have sex. She also recalled how ashamed he'd been of himself and his actions and how he'd apologized and promised to wait. She'd even gotten his hopes up a second time and he'd be far more gracious with her. So it's not surprising that he's pretty set on other men taking the answer 'no' for what it is.

Was he right? Was she really bad at convincing herself that she'd been okay with things that she wasn't really okay with. It was hard to say, and it's hard to even know where to think about it. Where Brandon was concerned she knew that he really shouldn't be pushing her no matter how she viewed the situation because verbally she'd drawn a line. She was sure Brandon would be more than happy to tell Jesse that she was giving him mixed signals, but body language could be misread, her words had been clear. Until she said otherwise he should have backed off.

She shakes her head, letting him pull her into his arms as she gets it all out. "I don't even know how it is you know me so well." She wraps her arms around his neck and clings to him. He's right about the situation with Brandon, and right about her dramatics, and he's right that people make mistakes. Hearing him remind her of how long he's wanted her, waited for her, reminds her of just how loved she is. She half laughs, half sobs when he calls Brandon a jackass and she pulls back to wipe at her eyes and look at him.

"Thank you. For always loving me for who I am. I haven't been fair to you, but hope I'm improving enough to show you how dedicated I am to you, and only you."

She leans in to press her lips to his in a brief kiss, and pulling back she realizes just how much she's missed their intimacy, but she wants to reassure him again. "I'll let him know again that I have a boyfriend, or maybe you could come visit my dance class when you have time during a rehearsal. If all else fails tell him you'll challenge him to a sing off. It'll be like two bucks rutting or something." She knows Jesse would win any sing off hands down, and just like back in high school, the idea obviously arouses her.

Jesse rubs her back gently, keeping her close to him as she lets whatever she needs to out. He isn’t quite sure why he’s always been able to read Rachel Berry better than he could anyone else, but her mind had never felt like a mystery to him. Maybe it was because of how much they had in common or maybe he’d spent too long studying her when he had been pretending to be her boyfriend so that he made all the right choices. Either way, it was easy to tell what she was feeling and where it was coming from a good portion of the time, even if it took him a little while to get there.

“I know,” he says gently, helping her wipe away the tears from her cheeks. “I see you making better choices for yourself all the time. I hope you know that I’m... proud of you.” He gives her a smile, going to tuck her hair behind her ear. “You’re getting better at facing these things instead of just shutting down or saying what someone wants to hear. I don’t care about fighting, I just want you to be honest about what you’re feeling.” He pauses before giving a small chuckle. “Which is... kind of ironic and maybe a little bit hypocritical given the origins of our epic love story, but I like to think of it as learning from past mistakes.”

He’d always been honest with her, really, outside of keeping the real reason he’d approached her to himself. His feelings for her, his dedication— it had definitely all been real. All he wanted was for her to be just as real with him.

“And we both know challenging him to a sing off would be horribly embarrassing for him, so we’ll leave that for a last resort.”

With the flood of emotions that she's been feeling starting to ebb, she finds it replaced by a certain sense of relief. Seeing him with her phone, she'd been ready for an all out blowout that would end up with someone storming out and questioning their relationship. Instead, he'd faced it with her, and stood by her while she faced it.

Laughing at his comment about the sing off, she nods. "Probably a good idea." Feeling a bit more calm, she wipes at her face with the palm of her hands, trying to get rid of the rest of her tears without smudging any of her carefully done make up. Thank goodness for waterproof mascara.

"You really think so?" It was reassuring to hear that he recognized the changes that she had made during their relationship, and she felt proud of herself for not running away from this like she'd wanted to. He was a special man, and she knew that, because only a special man could handle her.

"We're going to fight again, maybe even worse arguments. I can't promise that I'm not going to stupidly let guys flirt with me again, and I'll probably mess up and forget to speak up when I want your attention. But hey, I did not let him kiss me, and that's a huge improvement over my previous relationships."

He nods at her words, knowing they’re right. He has no doubt in his mind that they’ll fight, likely even worse than this one where things might be said that one or both of them regrets. It’s how relationships work. No one ever does the right thing or says the right thing a hundred percent of the time. He leans in to give her a quick kiss against the tip of her nose.

“What a wonderful and completely normal bench mark to have for your interactions with other men,” he says teasingly. He knows that it actually is a big deal, but he can’t help but poke a little fun at how ridiculous it is that it has to be. “Even if you can’t promise to not repeat your mistakes, I can at least promise that no matter the fight, I’ll always put my all into coming out of it with you. I’m not gonna give you up so easy, Rachel Berry.” There’s a pause before he wrinkles his nose. “Just... don’t take that as a challenge, alright?”

He pauses again before he moves his hands to her sides, going to gently run his fingers over them through the material of her top. “You know what’s the best part about a fight, right?” He absolutely means the ‘making up’ part and it’s written fairly plainly on his face.

He might have been teasing her, but the way he says it hits home to her. It really is a terrible benchmark and she gives a sad laugh at it. "It's really horrible, isn't it?!" She puts her face into hands for a moment, embarrassed. Looking at him again she gives him an apologetic look.

"Don't worry, I've got far better challenges and goals I'm working on." Reaching out she puts her arms around his neck. "Like, turning our one year anniversary into our two year anniversary."

And it seemed like he had some goals of his own, ones that she would eagerly participate in. With all the work that he had been doing, he'd been so tired lately and that had been part of the problem. Rachel absolutely loved their sex life, and she'd missed it greatly. However, she'd already caused him a lot of grief and she didn't want to exhaust him.

"I am all about the making up part, so long as you are sure you have the energy to properly make up."

“Mmm, that sounds like the sort of challenge that we can renew annually,” he says with a smirk. He isn’t afraid to hope that their two year turns to three and three to four; he’d been fairly upfront about wanting to spend the rest of his life with her and that certainly wouldn’t change anytime soon.

Jesse missed their sex life easily as much as she did, even if he knows he’s been the cause of the decline as of late. He leans over to kiss along her jawline, before giving a small nod. “I’m sure. I’d been planning on it when I found out I was getting home early anyway.” It had been one of the first things to cross his mind, really, even if it hadn’t quite all gone according to plan once he actually got home.

He puts his arms around her, his hands gripping her hips as he picks her up. “Let’s go to bed.”

Hearing that he'd been planning on having sex with her and she could have gotten this started awhile ago makes her cringe a little. "I'd say you should have texted to let me know, but I guess I wouldn't have gotten it anyway. I would have come right home."

If she'd been able to hear that he was at home and waiting for her, she would have paid for her drink and called the evening off to rush home to him. It's a thought that solidifies that she wasn't actually interested in Brandon, and that brings with it its own relief.

Now that they have hashed out some of their issues she actually feels that much more ready to be intimate with him. If they'd gone to bed with this on her mind, it would have distracted her. Now that they have worked it out and put a lot of her fears to rest she just feels more comfortable and confident in their relationship. It has brought with it a deeper level of trust and she was so ready to be naked with him both emotionally and physically.

She winds her arms tighter around his shoulders and lets him pick her up. Burying her face into his neck, she starts to suck and kiss and nip as his throat. The bed feels so far away and she knows the skirt she's wearing probably does little to hide how hot she is. "I've missed you so much. I am not letting you go this long without fucking me again." Before he can interject she adds. "Shower sex doesn't count. You know I need to be made love to properly."

Jesse had opened his mouth to comment on the shower sex just before she’d beaten him to it, and he closes his mouth again as he gives a sigh through his nose. She’s right. It didn’t count. Maybe it had helped slightly with his own arousal, but it had never been as satisfying, and he knew it must have been that much more frustrating for her. “Properly. I see. My apologies for not meeting your love making standards as of late. I usually pride myself on being a much better paramour.”

He took her down the hall as he spoke. He can feel the heat radiating from her through his shirt and it’s driving him crazier than he expected. When he finally gets her to the bedroom, he walks until his knees hit the mattress and lifts her up a little higher so he can crawl onto the bed. He makes sure to cradle her as he leans forward, letting them fall against the mattress, before he crushes his lips against hers for a heated and desperate kiss.

It really had been too long and he knows he should drag it out and savor the moment, but God is it hard— difficult to keep his cool when his body is starting to register all the signals that this is going to lead to sex.

It wasn't that shower sex wasn't fun, and it had helped her a little too. She had even had a semi-satisfying orgasm, but it was short and quick and she had wanted more. It simply wasn't enough when it wasn't counter-balanced with long drawn out love making sessions, and she knew he would agree with her. His feigned offense at her statement though, makes her want to laugh, she loves that he shares her theatrics. Keeping her the diva persona amplified and returning the playfulness she looks at him with an air of feigned indignation.

"I suppose I can look past it, so long as you promise to improve your performance. I want more passion. More love. More everything. Show me you want it." she'd seen Jesse give direction and critique work, and she appreciated turning the tables on him, even if just for fun. The fact that within an hour they had fought, talked it out, and were now being playful with each other went miles to healing everything that had been afraid and hurting inside of her as of late.

When they are laid out on the bed, she kisses him back with the same feverish passion that he's giving her, and she's not even sure that she'll be able to drag it out for long before she's begging him to fuck her. For the moment though, she just lets her hands wander while she kisses him.

He gives a mix of a laugh and a moan against her lips as he feels her hands wandering. She wants more everything, she says, and he makes sure to grind his hips down into hers as he kisses her. It doesn’t matter how short the foreplay has already been, he’s already fairly hard, and he notices it the most when he feels the heat between her legs run over his arousal.

He pulls back from the kiss, pressing his forehead against hers as he takes a shaky breath, a soft “Fuck” coming out with a sigh. “I think it’s fairly obvious how badly I want it,” he finally manages to get out, even with his heart racing in his chest.

“I think we should get you out of these clothes.”

Feeling him grind his hips down between her legs draws a deep moan from her. It's very obvious how badly he wants her and it takes all she has not to reach down between their hips and free him.

"I think I can feel your passion yes."

She doesn't want to appear desperate, but she is and she's sure it's slipping through, especially in how quickly she sits up to start unbuttoning her dress. Untying the sash that was resting on her right side, she pulls it up and over her head, though she isn't exactly graceful in her movements. She was beginning to regret that she hadn't worn a better matching set of underwear, but then again she hadn't been expecting this tonight. Rachel mostly had attractive bras and panties, but the fact that she hadn't made a point to use a matching set was suggestive of how little she'd expected from her evening out with Brandon.

"Sorry it's not my sexiest pair, but I wasn't expecting a private viewing tonight." She whispered as she tossed the dress to the side and leaned in to capture his lips with her own again.

He pulls himself off of her so she can sit up and undo her dress, pulling his shirt off over his head quickly. He undoes his belt, going to toss it to the side, but doesn’t go to remove his pants right away. Mostly because he gets distracted as he watches her dress fall to the side and he stops and stares at her for a moment.

It didn’t matter what she was wearing. Rachel always had the means to take his breath away. He licks his lips as he looks, before going to wrap his arm around her waist and pulls her close.

“You look sexy in everything you wear,” he says with a grin, leaning in to kiss her again and letting his free hand start to roam over her skin.

She welcomes the kiss, returning it deeply for several long moments, before maneuvering them so she she is sitting astride his lap. From that angle she can look down at him, and she reaches out to stroke her fingers through his hair. "We are well matched then," she offers in response to being called sexy. "Because you are the sexiest man I know."

Her lips return to kissing him, and she starts a slow rhythm of rocking her hips against his erection. He's so hard and she can only imagine that it's not comfortable to have the tight material restraining him. She figures it's to bad because he had a chance to pull them off and he decided to leave his pants on while she had been undressing.

Drawing his lower lip between her teeth, she slowly runs her tongue over it, before letting go. "You're so hard sweetheart."

He groans deeply into the kiss as he feels her rocking against him, the tightness of his pants added an extra layer of torture to the feeling. He should’ve taken off his pants, he’s realizing his mistake now, but there’s a part of him that enjoys the bordering of pain and pleasure that comes with it.

He lets out a small whine when she pulls on his lip and away from the kiss, his breath coming heavier than it had been before. He feels his heart pounding, both in his chest and in his erection, and he feels like he could lose it just from having her press down against him again.

“It’s always been the effect you have on me,” he mutters. It wasn’t entirely false, either. Even when they were teenagers he was constantly straining against the fabric of his jeans as they made out in her bed.

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