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Jesse St. James

Rachel Berry

WHERE New York City, NY • Rachel & Jesse's Apartment
Jesse gets home to find Rachel buried in bills that show just how much debt she is in. WARNINGS None.

all these bills pile up my desk

While it had theoretically been one of Jesse's days off, he'd felt like he'd been busy from the time he woke up until the moment he had gotten back into his car to go home. It had been appointments and interviews and meeting with his agent and one thing after another. Usually he enjoyed the time to relax, to get to actually spend the day with Rachel when they were usually so quickly in and out of the apartment that sometimes it felt like they barely even got to say hello to one another until they went to bed. He had warned her it might be another day like that unfortunately, but by some miracle, he'd actually managed to finish everything he'd needed to by dinner. At least one person had cancelled on him and few others had been faster than he'd expected them to be.

Rather than texting her to let her know, Jesse had decided to surprise Rachel by coming home early. He'd picked up some food, making sure to get the dish she loved most and a few drinks. He was sure they could rent a few movies, settle in on the couch, and make a night of it together after all. He still had another day away from the stage, so he knew they wouldn't even have to worry about getting to bed early, or about not having more time tomorrow to lie around with one another as well.

In hindsight, surprising her probably hadn't been the best idea, given how Rachel hated having her plans interrupted, but he figured a simple and nice surprise like this one wouldn't have been that big of a deal. Pushing open the door, he went to hang up his keys and jacket as he called out to her. "So apparently my agent actually knows how to cut a meeting short instead of just running over," he started as he headed towards the dining room, holding up the bag as he got closer. "I picked up some Thai. I got you one of their teas, the ones they mix with coconut milk? I figured we could eat noodles, watch some movies..."

He trailed off as he saw the papers on the table in front of her, forehead wrinkling a little. He was pretty sure she took all her notes electronically and most of them looked like letters. He put the bag down on the table as he picked one of them up curiously to look it over, not thinking that maybe she wouldn't have wanted to share. His brows raised as he saw the numbers on the page, figuring out fairly quickly what it was he was looking.

"Rachel, are these all bills?"

CODING

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Jesse coming home early from all his work and his appointments was what she had secretly hoped for upon waking up to an empty bed and a scribbled note by the bedside table. It was a day off and she'd spent the morning indulging in a hot bath and spa like treatment, before lunch, some reality tv show she and Kurt had been binge watching and then straightening up the apartment.

As the afternoon wore on, she'd decided to go get the mail. It was still a little new to have letters addressed to her shipped mixed in with ones with his name on them, but she liked it. When she'd gotten the stack of mail back up to the apartment, she'd cringed to see that everything with her name on it was a bill. There were notices, her actor's union bill, medical bills, and worse, credit card bills. In most situations Rachel was on top of everything to a level of perfection that few strove for. The bills though had started to pile when she'd moved back to NYC and learned that standing on her own two feet was not as easy as she'd thought.

Never before had Rachel been an adult completely on her own, and there were expenses that she'd been hit by that she hadn't expected, and a few that she had. Her dads had done a great job of raising her in many ways, but she suffered heavily from spoiled only child syndrome and it showed. The coffee and lunch breaks, the dress in the window that she just had to have, the pair of shoes that matched it, were all expenses that she hadn't thought of as she handed over her credit card. She paid off the bills as best she could, but when it came to the end of the month and things had to be paid, some things were left to the side because she needed that roof over her head. It had caused things to pile up a bit before she'd moved in with Jesse.

Moving in with him had taken off some of the pressure, but she'd gotten herself into a hole and she was only able to very slowly crawl out of it, especially when treating herself was so tempting. It had become to easy to ignore because school got in the way, but at least one had gone into default and she'd begun to feel really overwhelmed. Part of her had wanted to tell her boyfriend, but she was convinced he'd be furious with her, and she didn't want him to snap at her for this obvious epic failure on her part. Finances were one of the leading causes of couples breaking up, and she didn't want to be one of those statistics because she wasn't off to a good start with adult money managing.

She'd sat down at the table to try and figure out what to pay off this month, but the interest was racking up and she could was barely causing a dent in it. Every month she'd been trying to cover it up, but suddenly he's there and looking at one of them and her heart stops.

"Yes, but..." She tries to reach out to grab the letter, but when he holds it out of reach, she begins instead to try and gather up the rest of them. Her tone is laced with guilt, concern, and even a hint of nerves. "Don't worry, I'm on top of it," she tried to lie, and turn the topic to something else. "Thai sounds really good though. I like the idea of renting a movie and having a relaxing evening with you."

Jesse clearly wasn’t having the topic change, watching her gathering up the letters and acting like this wasn’t some kind of big deal. He could see the pink on one of them, the sort that came when you were the opposite of on top of things, and a few of them definitely had red lettering on them that emphasize past due amounts, though he couldn’t tell whether they were from previous months or recently from here.

Ignoring her approval of his idea, he went to lean over and place a hand on her arm to stop her from grabbing the other letters. “No.” He puts the letter he’d taken down on the rest of the pile before resting the fingers of his free hand against the pink letter in particular. “You’re not.”

There’s a level of irritation to his voice, but he does his best to keep it even as he can. While he didn’t worry much about money, he did worry about her, and the way these kinds of bills could impact a person. His parents had been business people, ones who taught him about credit, and finances, and stock even if they hadn’t taught him about things like recessions given that they’d never really impacted them.

“Don’t lie to me. How much?”

She really should have known that it wasn't going to work. He would have had to have been an idiot to not get that everything that was on the table was adding up to a great deal of money, and Jesse was the farthest thing from an idiot or a pushover. Which means she knows she's not going to be able to back herself out of this corner.

Her eyes move from the hand that he has placed on her arm back up to his face, but she's so embarrassed and nervous that she doesn't know what to say at first. The irritation in his voice makes her swallow roughly, and the fact that she can tell he's trying to not sound irritated means he's that much more irritated than he sounds. She glances back down to his hand again and looks over the papers as she tries to figure out what to even say.

Rachel Berry didn't exactly have the best defense mechanisms when it came to people being upset with her. She'd always say something wrong or exacerbate a fight, and because she'd made an unwise choice the fight would be her fault. She had a tendency to be impulsive, which was one of the reasons the bills were so high. But despite that she so often landed herself in dramatic situations, she didn't like the drama and she wanted to escape or smooth it over quickly. She still blamed herself for most of the fights with Finn. Despite her boastful self confidence, she actually took responsibility for so many flaws that she was sure she had because everyone told her she had them. Everyone couldn't be wrong.

Her mouth opens and closes again, and she looks really timid. She's certain that he's going to get sick of supporting her or providing for her while she's in school. She brings so little to the table as a college student, while living in his...no their...lavish apartment, acting like she has money.

Truthfully, it was her upbringing, but she was still sure that it would grow tired of carrying her. "I...I don't even know." Her voice is quiet and she looks takes her arm back, folding both of her hands in her lap and almost curling in on herself. "I was trying to figure that out."

He watches her curl up on herself, the obvious shame and guilt written all over her face, and he frowns, letting out a small sigh through his nose. He knew how much she tended to beat herself up for even the smallest of mistakes and the last thing he wanted to do was make her feel even worse for the mistakes she’d made so far. He knew she’d been in a rough place and when Rachel was upset, she had a tendency to try and buy her way out of her feelings through shopping sprees, or comfort herself with food and movies, all which cost money she hadn’t really had when she had to pay rent before.

He pulls out the chair beside her, going to sit down and rubbing his face with his hands as he leans his elbows onto the table. He’s looking at the papers in front of them for a moment, before he nods. “Alright.” His voice is softer, even if that irritation isn’t gone entirely, and he takes a deep breath as he grabs his phone and pulls up the calculator.

“We’ll figure this out,” he says as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world to say. He looks over to her, brows raised just slightly, and his face as serious as ever. “But you can’t just keep this sort of thing from me anymore. If you’ve got other debts, other troubles, anything that you’re struggling with, you need to tell me, Rachel. Living together doesn’t just mean sharing the good stuff. I’ve got to be in the loop on the complicated stuff, too.”

He pulls a few of the papers from the pile, looking at the numbers and scrunching his mouth. “Why would you keep all this to yourself?”

Swallowing, she looks up at him. She's a bit surprised when he just joins her at the table to start figuring her mess of debt out. When he tells her that they will just figure it out, she offers a small nod. It's not hard to see that he's still not particularly happy with her, but she's not entirely sure whether he's unhappy about the debt, or the fact that she's been keeping it from him. She starts to think it's the later as soon as he mentions that she can't keep these things from him.

On multiple occasions it's dawned on her how little she knows about co-inhabiting a place with a boyfriend. Even she and Finn hadn't had to deal with any of these stressors because they'd never lived together. She can picture Finn's silent treatment after criticizing her for the mistake until he deemed it a good time to talk to her again. Jesse on the other hand is facing this head on, and she's struck by the difference. Even if he's mad at her, he's not walking away or criticizing her. It makes it a little easier to let her guard down.

"I know...I just..." She was working so hard to stand strong and be a functional adult making responsible choices and here she was messing up again. She starts to gather some of the papers and pushes them towards him. "When I came back to New York, I had a plan. Just like I always have a plan. And I was going to go to college, on my own, and get back to Broadway on my own. I've relied on so many people, so I just thought I could prove to myself I could be strong without anyone else." She lets out a sigh, not meeting his eyes.

"Then, we were seeing each other more and more, and we were falling in love, and I wanted to be a part of your life, and I wanted you to be a part of mine. But I feel like I bring nothing to the table. I'm just a college student, I turned down a huge Broadway role for a college career and I've questioned that the more we mix our lives. But right now I don't make money. My savings from Funny Girl are practically depleted. So I have basically nothing and yet I'm living in this gorgeous apartment with you, paying almost nothing while you bring in a sizable check every week to pay for everything. I thought I could at least get on top of my debts, but I'm drowning in those too. How can we ever be equals if you are giving me everything and I have nothing."

She tries not to cry, but it's tough, because it does add to her feelings of failure. "I didn't want to burden you with this too. I'm so sorry, I promise I'll do better. I won't buy a single dress or pair of shoes until I pay off every last penny, I swear." When desperate, she did have a tendency to make rather grandiose promises.

Edited 2021-02-05 04:32 (UTC)

"Whoa, hey— deep breath." He takes the papers she pushes towards him, going to set them to the side for the moment so he can focus on her. He reaches out to grab both of her hands, making sure to squeeze them roughly in his own in order to help ground her in some way. He knows how easy it is for her to get lost in her doubts, her insecurities, her anxieties and how quickly she can spiral into catastrophizing like this. Sometimes even worse.

He shifts his seat so he can fully face her, leaning a little to try and force her to catch his eye. "You aren't a failure, or a burden, or weak just because you need help. Do you even see how much you do for me on a regular basis?" He smiles a little, letting go of one of her hands so he can put his fingers under her chin and tilt her head towards him. "You make me breakfast and pack another meal for me to have later on every day just because you know that I won't always eat right if I'm left to do it on my own. It doesn't matter if you've got early classes, you'll make it the night before if you need to. If I forget something at home, you almost always bring it to me at the theatre, even if I don't text you asking you to. Hell, you've even started doing my laundry half the time. All those are contributions. Just because I make more money right now doesn't mean that you're giving nothing."

He sits up a little straighter, letting his hand drop from her chin. "You'll crack in a week making those kinds of promises. I'm going to figure out how much you owe and we're going to set up a payment plan— get you caught up on your late fees and interest and focus on utilities first since they're hitting your credit the hardest. You'll put your credit cards somewhere safe so you don't have them on you to use while you're out until we're done... But that doesn't mean you can't buy things for yourself." He shakes his head at her dramatics, giving a chuckle. "I like getting you gifts, you know."

Jesse turns back to the bills, taking a deep breath. "If you're willing to not let your pride get in the way, I'll contribute enough so that you're only paying back what you actually spent on your cards. You'll have an easier time getting on top of it all that way. I'd say let me pay it out right so you can start from scratch, but I have a feeling that's probably asking too much."

The touch of his finger under her chin pulled her back to reality and she glanced up at him. What he was saying made some sense, and with his irritations seeming to fall to the side, she begins to relax.

Her cheeks flush as he begins to go through the list of things that she's doing to contribute to their home. He's right about her going out of her way for him. She doesn't do it because she feels obligated, and he certainly hasn't made it an expectation. It's just something that she does because she wants to. She knows that Jesse has a tendency to not eat between performances and so she makes sure that he has easy access to dinner and snacks. She also cooks dinner for them when she can and does the dishes and cleans the apartment. She threw one of his dirty bunched up socks at his head when she'd asked him for the fourth time to unroll them before putting them into the laundry, but she still cleaned them when he forgot.

"I guess you've been able to save some money on a maid." It had been her who suggested it just wanted needed and that she didn't mind staying on top of it, because she really didn't. She takes another deep breath as she starts to see what it is he is saying. He's right. There is more to supporting a household than just money, and she was perhaps an area of glue in another place.

He's also right that she'll crack in a week, so setting up a plan that won't end in failure is a better idea. It's not that she minds so much letting him take care of her, she knows he can, and she loves more than anything that he wants to. It's more that she's dug so many holes for herself and she's become dead set on digging herself out of them in a way that's almost obsessive. Coming back to NYC and living the adult life on her own two feet had been the chance to correct everything. She knows she really should stop approaching things as if it's an all or nothing kind of thing.

Her thumbs start to smooth over his hands where they are being held and she squeezes back. "Okay," she concedes. "I get it. I'm just circling the drain at this rate. And it's not that I'm completely unwilling to let you pay it off, it's just that I was trying to fix my mistakes. I can't believe it's legal what credit card companies do!"

She huffed indignantly as she took a hand back to brush at her eyes. "And while I'll accept your help to organize this mess, I can't let you rescue me. I have to figure out how to balance this stuff and be fiscally responsible, or I swear I'll never get it right. I think it's supposed to be one of those life lesson things." Like going back to school instead of performing on Broadway, or living in a run down apartment for months before moving in with her boyfriend. So it was questionably more an act of penance for her mistakes than a life lesson.

Now that she can see he's not mad, she leans forward to rest her forehead against his, placing a hand on his cheek. "I will never turn down a present though. But might I suggest we hold off on a joint credit card account." She was teasing, or at least mostly. But maybe once she's paid off her ridiculous amount of cards, she'd bring up the suggestion as a real one.

He's glad to see her start to relax and accept that she plays a part in making their home function. The last thing he ever wanted was for her to feel like she didn't contribute to their home or believe herself to be useless in any way. There were times these days that Jesse realized he couldn't remember what he used to do without her there. She'd fit so easily into his life, filled in all the gaps that had been missing, and made his life feel like it went more smoothly than it ever had before. That meant more to him than any paycheck could.

He does heave another sigh when she goes on about life lessons and not letting him just rescue her. He still planned on paying exactly what he'd said he was going to. Late fees and interest rates were things he refused to believe anyone should have to pay when they were already buried in debt. It was the same deal she'd have gotten from a collection agency and he was a lot nicer than debt collectors.

"I think they suggest you not get those until you're married," he said a little playfully. He leans in with a slightly more serious look a second later, though, biting his lip as he nudges her knee with his. "Why were you so scared to tell me about this? Not just... the embarrassment, you looked nervous."

As far as she saw it, he'd be doing her a great favor getting her back to a place where she could better help with the situation. Rachel also figured that together they could come up with a plan and that she could let him help her with reminders and maybe they could even check in monthly about their finances. While being rescued isn't an appealing thought, learning who to budget together is. It's a terribly boring thing, that's a reality to owning a home and having a life together, so naturally she's charmed by the novelty of it.

Her cheeks turn red as he nudges her and makes the comment about that being a married couple kind of thing, and of course...that really makes sense, but did it matter? She knew there were lots of married couples who screwed each other over in debt, and plenty of couples who weren't married who didn't. Thankfully that back and forth was going on silently in her head. "I mean, yes, uhm, that makes sense." Though marriage was a natural progression in relationships like this, she didn't want to presume. "Joint credit cards definitely should be for marriage." Right?

Luckily, he brings her back around with a decidedly less embarrassing comment, but perhaps less settling one. She brought her nail up to her teeth to chew on it gently as she thought about how to respond, or even why she'd been so scared at all.

"I guess I just thought it was going to lead to a big argument, where you get upset with me and I desperately try to defend myself whether I'm right or wrong, because I just don't want you to be mad at me." That was how she'd been in other relationships. It was even how she'd been back in high school with him, trying to defend a music video she really had no right to defend because she had been in the wrong. Finn had a tendency to get frustrated with her when she was careless and depending on the gravity of her carelessness he'd often step away and not talk to her. They always came back together, but she hadn't wanted to get into a fight, or hear from him how much she'd messed up. It wasn't that Jesse hadn't done the same, but Jesse got mad in a different way.

"I really shouldn't be so nervous. You've never lost your temper with me." She reaches down to place a hand on his knee. "Sorry, I sometimes forget we are grown adults figuring this out together. I guess I am still struggling with the high school mentality of breaking up being just around the corner." Which was a sharp contract to her fantasies of joint credit cards.

He listens to her reasoning quietly, nodding at the explanation, and doing his best to not read in between the lines, because he doesn't technically know for sure that there's any reading to do. Jesse had never approved of the way that Finn had treated Rachel, and while he had certainly no room to talk when he hadn't been the shining example of a perfect boyfriend in high school, it was sometimes hard to see the damage his temper had left behind. He knew teenagers could be irrational and angry, he couldn't really blame the guy for not having it all together when he was only nineteen, but that didn't make the impact any less real.

"I think it's easy to forget when we haven't really been out of high school that long. Even if it did lead to a fight, though... That's not something we can always avoid. I'd rather fight and work things out than try to keep it all quiet until it comes out on its own."

He lets out a small sigh, nodding, and reaching out to brush some of the hair away from her face. His pauses to gently run his thumb over her cheek, before he lets his hand drop to his lap again, looking back to the pile of papers with his lips pursed and his brows raised a bit.

This was going to take a while.

"Alright. Let's... eat. And relax. Get some energy back in you. Then we can come back and tackle all..." He waves his hand a little vaguely at the pile of papers. "This."

Rachel had been through a lot in a short amount of time, and it sometimes made her forget that she was barely out of her teen years. She'd done some college, had a career, lost someone she loved, fallen apart, and was only just starting to put herself back together. It made sense she didn't have it all figured out. It also made sense that some of the more faulty areas of her previous relationships still got her hung up.

She and Jesse had been incredibly mellow in their interactions with each other, to the point where she was almost surprised they hadn't fought. They'd bickered lightly, but they'd grown enough. It was hard to not worry about a big fight, and she was sure it was inevitable, but that didn't mean she wasn't apprehensive of it happening. To hear him say that they would just work it out is reassuring.

He heart swells with love at his words and she leans in to press her lips against his, parting them just enough to kiss him deeply before she pulls back. "You're right. I know you're right."

Looking over the papers, she still can't help but feel a bit overwhelmed. His suggestion of eating some food and relaxing before they tackle it together is the wisest solution and she finally nods. The food smells amazing anyway. "Now that sounds like a good plan." She stood up and brushed out her skirt. The papers could wait a little bit. "I'm sorry I come with debt and baggage, but thank you for supporting me. I promise you that I'm working my way through it." She offered in reference to both her debt and her baggage.

"So, food?" A little distance, his company, and a good meal would make everything better.

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