Jesse St. James (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
grandiosely) wrote2021-02-21 06:06 pm
grandiosely) wrote2021-02-21 06:06 pm
Entry tags:
(no subject)
Jesse St. James
Rachel Berry
WHERE New York City, NY • Rachel & Jesse's Apartment
say you'll never leave me no matter what
Rachel forgets her phone at home and Jesse sees that she's been keeping some things from him.WARNINGS Implications of potential cheating
Jesse's not exactly unaccustomed to Rachel Berry's drama. It's been one of those things things that he often loves her most for, even if the times that it impacts his own life can be such a headache. She has a bad habit of making mountains out of mole hills and always trying to make sure she's the one who breaks a heart instead of having her heart broken. Jesse's sure there's a bunch of psychological reasonings behind it, but he's never been book smart, and he's not particularly interested in trying to analyze his girlfriend anyway.
He's been busy. Extremely busy. Eight shows a week they're both used to, even with her school schedule, but since the rumors of a Tony nomination were getting closer to being fact rather than just suspicion, Jesse's had to deal with interviews and meetings with his agent on his days off, or in the mornings and early afternoons he used to have free before he went to the theatre. It had taken a toll on the time he got to spend with Rachel and he knew that she struggled with things when she had a lack of attention or physical affection, even he was getting a little grouchy about the impact it had had on their sex life. He was just so tired...
Jesse had been somewhat relieved when Rachel had mentioned making plans with friends. The last thing he needed was for her to be sitting around the apartment just waiting for him. Getting out would keep her out of her head, he'd thought, and that was best for everyone. She was the most dangerous to her own happiness when she was bored and left to think about it all too much. He had texted her when he had managed to get out of a meeting with a reporter early and had been a little concerned when he didn't get an answer. Luckily he was close to home and it wasn't too long after, as he hung his coat up in the hall, that he noticed her own phone sitting on the kitchen counter. He shook his head, knowing she must have been in a rush, and wasn't left to think much on it until it had started pinging more than once. He'd just planned on switching it over to silent mode when he noticed the name. He didn't recognize it, but the flirtatious comment followed by a cheesy wink emoji had certainly gotten his attention.
He could have opened the phone. He could have looked through the history of text messages with this guy and seen just how often flirting with his girlfriend was part of their repertoire. But Jesse liked to believe that Rachel would tell him anything, especially when pressed, and so he hoped it would continue here. He was sitting on one of the stools at the counter, drinking a beer, and staring at her phone when he heard the door finally open. Looking up, he waited until she'd gotten a little farther inside, before he cleared his throat.
"So uh..." He bites his lip, before pushing her phone a little closer to her. "Who's Brandon?"
He's been busy. Extremely busy. Eight shows a week they're both used to, even with her school schedule, but since the rumors of a Tony nomination were getting closer to being fact rather than just suspicion, Jesse's had to deal with interviews and meetings with his agent on his days off, or in the mornings and early afternoons he used to have free before he went to the theatre. It had taken a toll on the time he got to spend with Rachel and he knew that she struggled with things when she had a lack of attention or physical affection, even he was getting a little grouchy about the impact it had had on their sex life. He was just so tired...
Jesse had been somewhat relieved when Rachel had mentioned making plans with friends. The last thing he needed was for her to be sitting around the apartment just waiting for him. Getting out would keep her out of her head, he'd thought, and that was best for everyone. She was the most dangerous to her own happiness when she was bored and left to think about it all too much. He had texted her when he had managed to get out of a meeting with a reporter early and had been a little concerned when he didn't get an answer. Luckily he was close to home and it wasn't too long after, as he hung his coat up in the hall, that he noticed her own phone sitting on the kitchen counter. He shook his head, knowing she must have been in a rush, and wasn't left to think much on it until it had started pinging more than once. He'd just planned on switching it over to silent mode when he noticed the name. He didn't recognize it, but the flirtatious comment followed by a cheesy wink emoji had certainly gotten his attention.
He could have opened the phone. He could have looked through the history of text messages with this guy and seen just how often flirting with his girlfriend was part of their repertoire. But Jesse liked to believe that Rachel would tell him anything, especially when pressed, and so he hoped it would continue here. He was sitting on one of the stools at the counter, drinking a beer, and staring at her phone when he heard the door finally open. Looking up, he waited until she'd gotten a little farther inside, before he cleared his throat.
"So uh..." He bites his lip, before pushing her phone a little closer to her. "Who's Brandon?"
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She was also prone to self sabotage, getting so close to achieving success and when she had happiness or it was within reach, she did something that led to a self fulfilling prophecy of failure. Her relationships had suffered for it, her friendships had suffered for it, and her career had suffered for it. Then she'd draw upon the brutal pain to drag herself out of the ashes of her failures to climb to success again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
While she had gained a certain amount of self awareness, and was doing better than she'd ever been with her new path in life, she had found herself slipping into insecurities as she dealt with the complications...or more the lack there of, of her relationship. The fact was that for the most part, she and Jesse didn't argue much. Even when she gave him the bait, he didn't seem to bite, finding things that other boyfriends had found irritating, endearing instead. If he had a breaking point, she hadn't found it.
Truth was, she'd already fallen head over heels in love with him. She loved the conversations that they had. She loved the time they spent together. She loved the way he spent as much time in the bathroom getting ready as she did. She loved dinners, and waking up next to him, and picking him up after his show. Then there was the sex, and she really loved that. She was happy. School was going well. His play was going well. Everything was fine. So why was it that she'd been so unhappy?
He'd been busier the last few weeks, several times when she'd gone to talk to him about something, he'd only been able to give her a few moments. His text messages were shorter. He'd even been on the verge of falling asleep a couple of the times when they'd tried to have sex, and she'd just sighed and told him to just sleep. She understood; really she did. At least, mostly she did. She was so proud of his success and she didn't want to hold him back, but with more dinners cancelled, less evenings together, and a serious decline in their lovemaking, she was starting to feel neglected. So when Brandon, a classmate and dance partner in an upcoming NYADA showcase, had started to show her attention, one of her inner demons had started to creep up.
Rachel had started to wonder. She had always liked attention and Brandon was all but star struck with her. He was a year behind her in school and though she really didn't think she was entertaining his flirtations, she wasn't putting up proper boundaries either. Partly, she wasn't sure how to put up those boundaries, but partly she liked the attention, especially with her boyfriend so busy. So she didn't correct the position of his hands when they were dancing, or tell him no when he'd asked her out to drinks that night. She'd said it needed to be as friends, but she'd still agreed knowing that the boy had more than friendship on his mind.
She convinced herself she was doing nothing wrong, so when she got back to their apartment in NYC and Jesse pushes her phone towards her she immediately feels the walls come up. She hadn't cheated. Jesse would have found the flirtations very one sided if he'd chosen to read them, but that didn't make her entirely innocent. Her mind races through excuses as she visibly stiffens when he asks her the question.
"I said I was going out with a friend." She crosses the room into the kitchen, feeling his eyes on her, and the defense is so clear in her tone as though she feels like she's been caught red handed at something she didn't even do. She opens the fridge to pull out a bottle of wine before retrieving a glass from the cupboard.
"He's a friend. We were paired up as dance partners for the upcoming showcase, so we've been spending some time together rehearsing, and went to get a drink tonight." It's the truth, and while she tries to believe she has nothing to hide, she really wishes she could just disappear and avoid this conversation. "I didn't think you'd care." That part wasn't entirely true, because she had a feeling that even if she wasn't looking to hook up with Brandon, he wouldn't approve of Brandon's desire for her.
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"You didn't mention that the friend you were seeing was clearly interested in you." He tries to keep his words even, to not come at her with too accusatory a tone, since he's not even sure that it went any farther than her allowing Brandon to continue to send her suggestive messages without making it clear that maybe it was a little inappropriate. "And I think you know that I might have cared since you didn't bother to tell me about it."
He puts the phone back down, crossing his arms and leaning them against the counter. "Rachel," he starts with the usual tone he seems to get whenever he's about to call her on something he thinks it's bullshit, "I trust you when you say you're just friends, but I uh. I don't think Brandon has gotten the full message about that." There's a beat before he wrinkles his forehead. "Does he know you're seeing someone?"
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Popping out the cork, she pours herself a glass of wine while trying to keep a steady look as she glances at the suggestive messages. The tension was thick between them and she took several sips of wine to try and cut it. She was already a little tipsy from having been at a bar and she didn't really need the wine, but it gave her something to do. Licking her lips, she considers what to say. "You don't mention every girl who has been interested in you." Which was a poor example, because she wouldn't have wanted him to have a drink with them either.
She instinctively crosses her own arms when he crosses his. While she knows that it's not helpful, she can't help but feel defensive. "Of course I've told him I have a boyfriend!" She just hadn't told him repeatedly, or pushed it when he'd flirted with her. She lets out a frustrated sigh, and brings her palm up to rub at forehead, before holding out her hands like she's trying to show him she's innocent. "I didn't do anything. And it's not like we've had a lot a chances for deep conversation lately." She knows it's the wrong thing to say, but ultimately she really doesn't know what to say.
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He takes a deep breath, rubbing his hands over his face and letting it out with a long sigh. “When have I ever taken one of the girls who flirts with me out for drinks? You really think if I was getting text messages like these from any of them that you’d be okay with it? I’ve seen your jealous streak, Rachel, I’m one hundred percent sure that that’s extraordinarily unlikely.” It seemed like sometimes she could barely stand for the women to continue to be in the ensemble when they had clear crushes.
Jesse swallows roughly when she brings up their distance as of late, not able to hide the fact that it stung in the context of the rest of the conversation. He isn’t sure what to say at first, looking away from her, grinding his teeth lightly from the tension. When he looks to her again, it’s with obvious frustration, even if he’s doing his best to hold most of it back.
“I understand things have been a little rough lately with our schedules, but that doesn’t mean you should just go hang out with someone who doesn’t respect our relationship. I get that you haven’t cheated, but that doesn’t make this okay. You get how he’ll view this as encouraging him to continue, don’t you? It could easily make him assume we’re either not serious or that you just don’t care.”
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She can visualize how this will go, or at least it's conclusion. She can see herself fucking up and letting Brandon kiss her. It's not out of character for her to somehow justify it being a good idea to let some guy she doesn't care about into her life under some false illusion that things would be easier with him. Her impulse issues surrounding attention are destructive, and she knows that, but it's so often been like a train wreck she can't stop from happening.
It went deeper than that though, deeper in a way that she was only just starting to scrape the surface of and she and Jesse hadn't been together long enough to iron out or work out all their flaws.
Of course he's right, she shouldn't be hanging out with a man who is interested in her and has bad boundaries. The problem is that so much of her dating life has been based on inappropriate boundaries that accepting being lied to and lying to significant others seems almost normal. Part of her really didn't understand that it was encouraging him to push her into something. "I told him that I was in a very serious relationship with a man I live with and wasn't going to break up with you. I can't make him not want me."
He was also right that if the tables were turned, she would be furious. "And fine! You're right, I wouldn't like it very much." Her tone was definitely defensive and she paces a little, before leaning back against one side of the counter and looking at him.
On some level she knows that the fact that she doesn't really want him but is still defending this is ridiculous. It's like the more vulnerable she feels in a relationship, the more she wants to make sure that there is an option waiting in case things fall apart. His frustration isn't lost on her, and she starts to wonder about just how much he'll put up with. She is torn between understanding his anger and knowing its justified and feeling angry with him as if he's responsible for her actions somehow. It's not fair, but Rachel often wasn't fair when it came to her anxieties.
"What do you want me to say? People are disrespectful of relationships all the time, it's on my shoulders to make sure that it stays out of the bedroom. Either way, he's my dance partner for this upcoming thing, so it'll be hard to cut him off if that's what you want me to do. It feels like you don't trust me."
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“That doesn’t mean you take them out to drinks to reward them for their behavior!” He doesn’t quite yell, but the raise in his voice isn’t hard to miss. He manages to dial it back before he continues, but the tone doesn’t change much. “No, you can’t make him not want you, but you don’t have to spend extra time with him and you certainly don’t have to let him flirt with you.” He pushes the stool back from the counter, standing up and running a hand through his hair, the way she always called him out on doing when he was feeling tense.
“I want you to say you’re sorry and that you’ll make him back off. Tell him to stop texting you if it’s not related to your dance class. I want you to tell me why you think it’s acceptable to go out to drinks with someone like this when you’d ream me for doing the same thing. Obviously you get why it’s upsetting if you’d be the same way I am if the positions were reversed. You’re not an idiot, you know this isn’t about trust or whether or not this was going to lead to something physical. I want you to acknowledge that someone is disrespecting our relationship and you let him take you to a fucking bar.”
He takes a deep breath, staring at her with his lips pursed for a moment. “Why are you doing this? Attention? Because there are a thousand better ways to tell me you’re feeling ignored.”
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He had hit the nail on the head really, she was doing it for attention. A lot of what she did was for attention. She either wanted to make a boyfriend jealous, or she wanted to know she was wanted, or she wanted the back up plan. She wasn't even fully aware of her own tendency for self sabotage, but she knew she'd said everything wrong since she'd walked in the door.
She notes the way he plays with his hair and she lets him rant at her about his frustrations, and she's surprised by his temper. Even back when he'd been furious at her for the music video, or when he'd cracked an egg on her head, he really was more even tempered than most of the boy she knew.
Feeling overwhelmed by it, and his questions and the fact she knew how out of line Brandon was being, but didn't quite know how to put a stop to it. "I don't know!" Rachel does yell the answer, quickly pulling back and closing her mouth. She hadn't meant to shout like that, but it's a lot to take in. Suddenly she feels choked up and backed into a corner and she wants to run away.
What she doesn't want to do is dig into why all of this hurts so much, or how it's making her feel. She doesn't want to deal with the pain or the fear of losing him. "I don't know..." She repeats, softer this time. She keeps her arms crossed, though it's more like a protective wall than frustration, like she has to keep him out. "I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let him take me to a bar. I'm sorry I let him flirt with me. I'm sorry I let it go too far. Can we please just forget it. I'll text him right now and tell him to stop."
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“Are you saying sorry just so we can stop talking about it?” It’s a genuine question, no accusatory tone anywhere in the words. His forehead is creased, but the look in his eyes is one of concern, even if he’s still not happy about the situation. “I don’t think you really don’t know why. I think you just don’t want to talk about what’s driving you to do all this.”
He has a feeling, of course. He knows he wasn’t far off when he’d accused her of wanting attention. He takes a breath, letting it out slowly, before he dares to try and bring it up. “You’re trying to make drama. Things were going really well, we’ve hit a bit of a lull recently, and you want to find a way to either push me to prove I want you, or prove your insecurities right and that I was going to hurt you all along.” He still manages to keep his voice gentle, but he can’t help but reach up to rub his eyes with one hand. “Is this your new Run Joey Run?”
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He's calling her out, but he's only partially right, she doesn't want to talk about it. However, the list of reasons is a confused jumble in her head. The concern on his face helps to soothe some part of her and she feels less threatened. Jesse isn't the type to cause a big scene and he won't show up at NYADA to punch Brandon in the face as some show of...something. Love? Possessiveness? Jealousy? Ownership? She had no idea why Finn felt the need to grow so violent with the men she was dating.
Being in a relationship with Jesse has made her wonder if she'd been looking at Finn's aggression wrong, and she couldn't help but question how healthy that response was. Finn was docile, kind and reserved, until he...wasn't. Then he'd punch a wall, or yell, or throw a punch. The deeper she fell in love with Jesse, the more flaws she started to see in Finn and she felt guilty for that. On the cusp of their one year anniversary, she was feeling so settled and content. It had given her too much time to think, and when Rachel thought too much, drama inevitably ensued. The way her eyes dart to the side when he says it, is straight forward evidence she's at least somewhat aware he's correct.
"I am sorry." She really was, and that time sounded less defensive and more authentic. It was hard to fight when the other party was keeping their cool. "And yes, I also don't want to talk about it."
The things he was suggesting were flaws that she was deeply embarrassed by, and she still didn't really believe Mr. Shue when he'd told her someone would love her despite all those flaws. The call out felt like having the ugliest parts of her out in the open, and Run Joey Run was one of the better examples of the ugly parts she really didn't like, but felt compulsively drawn to. "No! It's not like at all. I'm not looking to fit him into my life, I was just bored, and he asked, and I knew but...didn't stop myself. And I don't know why I'm like this, and I don't...I don't know...I don't want to talk about it."
She was having trouble meeting his eyes, in some ways his gentleness felt even harder to face. "Can't you just accept my apology and we can drop it. Why do we have to talk about this? Why isn't my apology enough?"
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He takes a breath, carefully reaching out to try and grab one of her hands, even if her arms were still folded in front of her. “Rachel... This isn’t something we can just sweep under the rug and forget happened just because you’re sorry. Apologizing helps, but don’t you think it’s important we figure out why? Instead of just... ignoring it and letting it happen again?”
Jesse reaches up to push some of the hair out of her face, letting his hand rest against her jaw afterward. “You felt like you could tell him to stop, right?”
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She's tentative and unsure as she uncrosses her arms to let him grab her hand, but she instinctively leans into his palm as it rests against her jaw. Mostly she's been avoiding his look, but she can't help but glance up at him and catch her eyes as she does so. The same intense look that she's gotten used to is right there and it's full of emotion.
"I won't let it happen again," she insists. With his busy schedule recently she's pretty sure she hadn't realized just how much she'd missed his intimate attention. "I love you, and I want you, and I don't want him, so I don't know why it happened, or why I let it happen. Other than the fact that I'm so insecure sometimes."
When he asks her about whether she had felt she could tell him to stop, she's caught off guard. Of course she'd felt like she could tell him to stop. Or well, he hadn't listened, and he'd said something about how she deserved the attention, and maybe she'd believed him. The more she thinks about it though, the more she actually questions it. How Jesse had popped into her head the times when Brandon's hand had gone a little too low on her waist or a little too high on her thigh.
"I don't know, I stopped bothering to tell him to stop." She glances away from him. "He's attractive, I figured it was me." She admits it softly, before her defenses go up again. "You dance with lots of attractive girls, I know you aren't entirely immune to it, otherwise I wouldn't be so jealous. I didn't intend to act on it and I still don't. I'll make sure to partner with someone else next time."
She felt her eyes start to sting and her throat knot uncomfortably. Her need for attention, if that was truly what it was, and desire to be wanted were rearing their ugly head. She looks to the side again."I'm going to ruin us. I always ruin the things I love. Especially when I love them so much I can't stand the thought of losing them. Maybe it's not possible to keep me happy."
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The way she responds to whether or not she had felt she could ask Brandon to stop is concerning, though, and it shows on his face that the answer isn’t one he particularly cares for. Not because of her, but because of how much in life has made her feel like she can’t say no when she wants to, and how rarely people have listened to her set boundaries. “Him being attractive doesn’t give him a free pass to disrespect you telling him you don’t want him to act the way he is,” he says firmly. “You should be able to say no and have it listened to.”
Jesse’s jaw tenses again when she talks about ruining things, not because of anger this time, but the tension that comes with trying to pick words extremely carefully so as not to say the wrong thing. He doesn’t want this to turn into a blow up that starts the fighting again, but he doesn’t want to lie to her, either. “You aren’t going to ruin anything,” he says gently, trying to reassure her, gently trying to turn her head back to looking at him again. “But you do have a bad habit of sabotaging yourself when things start to get too good. I think that plays apart in all this.”
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Obviously she hadn't, because he's telling her something she's heard from others before. As well as he knew her, it was still unrealistic to expect him to read her mind. She can't help but smile just slightly at him over it. With a resigned sigh, she nods. "I suppose sometimes I talk so much, that I forget I'm not necessarily saying what needs to be said." It's a small admittance to a fault she knows she has and does want to work on.
She moves out of his touch, hoisting herself up on the counter so that she can look him in the eyes. It's a more relaxed position, and one that shows she's trying to let him in. She still isn't sure how to approach the issue with Brandon and now she's wondering whether or not her response to Brandon is because she has a tendency to feel she owes men who pay her attention something rather than truly wanting attention. "I don't know Jesse. You know I like attention, and that I like feeling like people find me attractive. I should have just kept seeking you out to get that reassurance, but when I did, you were asleep, or would fall asleep. A quickie in the shower doesn't exactly make me feel properly attended to..."
She holds up a hand again, because she feels like she has to defend her feelings of loneliness. "It's not an excuse, but with you so busy with work, I started to wonder whether you were getting bored with me. I thought if you were, then at least there's this other man that finds me attractive. I don't think I really wanted him, and I told him that much on more than one occasion. It made me sad to think about, but I kept thinking...at least this guy wants me. It's probably my fault that he didn't listen to no." Despite being at an easier angle to look him in the eyes now, she looks away again, down at her lap and she moves to nervously play with a long strand of hair.
When he does get her to look at him, she has tears in her eyes. "You don't know that for sure. You love me, but you have your limits, everyone does. This is the longest I've ever been with someone, and I'm so happy and I'm more in love than I ever thought possible, especially after facing heart ache and grief and loss. I never thought my person might not be Finn, and yet, here you are, and here we are and it's good. It's really good. And I took a stupid thing like you being busy and got so insecure I've been letting another man flirt with me."
The tears start to fall and she reaches out to place her hands on his chest. "I know you said you like my drama, but I'm such a mess, and I do so many stupid things because I'm so dramatic. Please, forgive me Jesse. Please, please don't leave me. I want another year, and another after that. I want you. I want us. I swear I'll be a better girlfriend." All the recent stress floods out of her as she sobs in front of him, letting her feelings finally out into the open.
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“I’m not doubting that his attention fed some part of you that was being ignored, but...” He takes a deep breath, looking at her seriously, deciding it was best to not beat around the bush about it all. “A no is a no. An ‘I’m not interested’ is a no. ‘I have a boyfriend’ is a no. And any one of them should have been respected and listened to. It doesn’t matter how much you may or may not have ended up ultimately getting from his flirting with you, you clearly told him that you were with someone else, and it is far from your fault that he didn’t listen to that.”
He hesitates, wondering if he should tack on the rest of his thoughts, or leave it be. At the end of the day, he’s still Jesse St. James, and keeping his mouth shut isn’t a skill he’s entirely mastered. “Besides. For someone so obnoxious and self-centered, you spend way too much time focusing on keeping other people happy, especially men, and you’ll often let them do things you don’t want to just to not make waves. You have a fairly bad habit of convincing yourself after the fact that you wanted things, when in the moment it’s actually happening, you’re uncomfortable and want out.“
He reaches up to wipe the tears from her cheeks, feeling his chest get tight as she mentions Finn and talks about the pain she’s had to go through. Seeing her beg him not to leave him makes everything inside of him hurt and he almost regrets bringing it all up at all. Jesse quickly wraps his arms around her, pulling her tightly to him while trying to also make sure she doesn’t fall off the counter. He shushes her gently, stroking her hair as he tries to get her to calm down.
“You’re an amazing girlfriend, Rachel. People make mistakes. We’re only human.” He knows he’s made and will probably continue to make plenty. The unfortunate thing was that Rachel’s tended to take focus because of all the unhealthy habits she’d formed in relationships before their own. “I have waited to be with you for so long, there’s no fucking way I’m going to let you go just because you let some jackass send you a wink emoji.”
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Was he right? Was she really bad at convincing herself that she'd been okay with things that she wasn't really okay with. It was hard to say, and it's hard to even know where to think about it. Where Brandon was concerned she knew that he really shouldn't be pushing her no matter how she viewed the situation because verbally she'd drawn a line. She was sure Brandon would be more than happy to tell Jesse that she was giving him mixed signals, but body language could be misread, her words had been clear. Until she said otherwise he should have backed off.
She shakes her head, letting him pull her into his arms as she gets it all out. "I don't even know how it is you know me so well." She wraps her arms around his neck and clings to him. He's right about the situation with Brandon, and right about her dramatics, and he's right that people make mistakes. Hearing him remind her of how long he's wanted her, waited for her, reminds her of just how loved she is. She half laughs, half sobs when he calls Brandon a jackass and she pulls back to wipe at her eyes and look at him.
"Thank you. For always loving me for who I am. I haven't been fair to you, but hope I'm improving enough to show you how dedicated I am to you, and only you."
She leans in to press her lips to his in a brief kiss, and pulling back she realizes just how much she's missed their intimacy, but she wants to reassure him again. "I'll let him know again that I have a boyfriend, or maybe you could come visit my dance class when you have time during a rehearsal. If all else fails tell him you'll challenge him to a sing off. It'll be like two bucks rutting or something." She knows Jesse would win any sing off hands down, and just like back in high school, the idea obviously arouses her.
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“I know,” he says gently, helping her wipe away the tears from her cheeks. “I see you making better choices for yourself all the time. I hope you know that I’m... proud of you.” He gives her a smile, going to tuck her hair behind her ear. “You’re getting better at facing these things instead of just shutting down or saying what someone wants to hear. I don’t care about fighting, I just want you to be honest about what you’re feeling.” He pauses before giving a small chuckle. “Which is... kind of ironic and maybe a little bit hypocritical given the origins of our epic love story, but I like to think of it as learning from past mistakes.”
He’d always been honest with her, really, outside of keeping the real reason he’d approached her to himself. His feelings for her, his dedication— it had definitely all been real. All he wanted was for her to be just as real with him.
“And we both know challenging him to a sing off would be horribly embarrassing for him, so we’ll leave that for a last resort.”
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Laughing at his comment about the sing off, she nods. "Probably a good idea." Feeling a bit more calm, she wipes at her face with the palm of her hands, trying to get rid of the rest of her tears without smudging any of her carefully done make up. Thank goodness for waterproof mascara.
"You really think so?" It was reassuring to hear that he recognized the changes that she had made during their relationship, and she felt proud of herself for not running away from this like she'd wanted to. He was a special man, and she knew that, because only a special man could handle her.
"We're going to fight again, maybe even worse arguments. I can't promise that I'm not going to stupidly let guys flirt with me again, and I'll probably mess up and forget to speak up when I want your attention. But hey, I did not let him kiss me, and that's a huge improvement over my previous relationships."
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“What a wonderful and completely normal bench mark to have for your interactions with other men,” he says teasingly. He knows that it actually is a big deal, but he can’t help but poke a little fun at how ridiculous it is that it has to be. “Even if you can’t promise to not repeat your mistakes, I can at least promise that no matter the fight, I’ll always put my all into coming out of it with you. I’m not gonna give you up so easy, Rachel Berry.” There’s a pause before he wrinkles his nose. “Just... don’t take that as a challenge, alright?”
He pauses again before he moves his hands to her sides, going to gently run his fingers over them through the material of her top. “You know what’s the best part about a fight, right?” He absolutely means the ‘making up’ part and it’s written fairly plainly on his face.
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"Don't worry, I've got far better challenges and goals I'm working on." Reaching out she puts her arms around his neck. "Like, turning our one year anniversary into our two year anniversary."
And it seemed like he had some goals of his own, ones that she would eagerly participate in. With all the work that he had been doing, he'd been so tired lately and that had been part of the problem. Rachel absolutely loved their sex life, and she'd missed it greatly. However, she'd already caused him a lot of grief and she didn't want to exhaust him.
"I am all about the making up part, so long as you are sure you have the energy to properly make up."
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Jesse missed their sex life easily as much as she did, even if he knows he’s been the cause of the decline as of late. He leans over to kiss along her jawline, before giving a small nod. “I’m sure. I’d been planning on it when I found out I was getting home early anyway.” It had been one of the first things to cross his mind, really, even if it hadn’t quite all gone according to plan once he actually got home.
He puts his arms around her, his hands gripping her hips as he picks her up. “Let’s go to bed.”
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If she'd been able to hear that he was at home and waiting for her, she would have paid for her drink and called the evening off to rush home to him. It's a thought that solidifies that she wasn't actually interested in Brandon, and that brings with it its own relief.
Now that they have hashed out some of their issues she actually feels that much more ready to be intimate with him. If they'd gone to bed with this on her mind, it would have distracted her. Now that they have worked it out and put a lot of her fears to rest she just feels more comfortable and confident in their relationship. It has brought with it a deeper level of trust and she was so ready to be naked with him both emotionally and physically.
She winds her arms tighter around his shoulders and lets him pick her up. Burying her face into his neck, she starts to suck and kiss and nip as his throat. The bed feels so far away and she knows the skirt she's wearing probably does little to hide how hot she is. "I've missed you so much. I am not letting you go this long without fucking me again." Before he can interject she adds. "Shower sex doesn't count. You know I need to be made love to properly."
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He took her down the hall as he spoke. He can feel the heat radiating from her through his shirt and it’s driving him crazier than he expected. When he finally gets her to the bedroom, he walks until his knees hit the mattress and lifts her up a little higher so he can crawl onto the bed. He makes sure to cradle her as he leans forward, letting them fall against the mattress, before he crushes his lips against hers for a heated and desperate kiss.
It really had been too long and he knows he should drag it out and savor the moment, but God is it hard— difficult to keep his cool when his body is starting to register all the signals that this is going to lead to sex.
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"I suppose I can look past it, so long as you promise to improve your performance. I want more passion. More love. More everything. Show me you want it." she'd seen Jesse give direction and critique work, and she appreciated turning the tables on him, even if just for fun. The fact that within an hour they had fought, talked it out, and were now being playful with each other went miles to healing everything that had been afraid and hurting inside of her as of late.
When they are laid out on the bed, she kisses him back with the same feverish passion that he's giving her, and she's not even sure that she'll be able to drag it out for long before she's begging him to fuck her. For the moment though, she just lets her hands wander while she kisses him.
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He pulls back from the kiss, pressing his forehead against hers as he takes a shaky breath, a soft “Fuck” coming out with a sigh. “I think it’s fairly obvious how badly I want it,” he finally manages to get out, even with his heart racing in his chest.
“I think we should get you out of these clothes.”
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"I think I can feel your passion yes."
She doesn't want to appear desperate, but she is and she's sure it's slipping through, especially in how quickly she sits up to start unbuttoning her dress. Untying the sash that was resting on her right side, she pulls it up and over her head, though she isn't exactly graceful in her movements. She was beginning to regret that she hadn't worn a better matching set of underwear, but then again she hadn't been expecting this tonight. Rachel mostly had attractive bras and panties, but the fact that she hadn't made a point to use a matching set was suggestive of how little she'd expected from her evening out with Brandon.
"Sorry it's not my sexiest pair, but I wasn't expecting a private viewing tonight." She whispered as she tossed the dress to the side and leaned in to capture his lips with her own again.
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It didn’t matter what she was wearing. Rachel always had the means to take his breath away. He licks his lips as he looks, before going to wrap his arm around her waist and pulls her close.
“You look sexy in everything you wear,” he says with a grin, leaning in to kiss her again and letting his free hand start to roam over her skin.
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Her lips return to kissing him, and she starts a slow rhythm of rocking her hips against his erection. He's so hard and she can only imagine that it's not comfortable to have the tight material restraining him. She figures it's to bad because he had a chance to pull them off and he decided to leave his pants on while she had been undressing.
Drawing his lower lip between her teeth, she slowly runs her tongue over it, before letting go. "You're so hard sweetheart."
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He lets out a small whine when she pulls on his lip and away from the kiss, his breath coming heavier than it had been before. He feels his heart pounding, both in his chest and in his erection, and he feels like he could lose it just from having her press down against him again.
“It’s always been the effect you have on me,” he mutters. It wasn’t entirely false, either. Even when they were teenagers he was constantly straining against the fabric of his jeans as they made out in her bed.